I became a mother at a young age. This meant that, as a brand new mother, I was in the throes of my own growing-up process, still reeling from a chaotic childhood in a war-torn country and an abusive, toxic home.
Like many mothers, I found myself incredibly isolated those first five years. I had the sense that I was repeating traumas from my own childhood, unconsciously mimicking my mother’s anxious, controlling behaviors. I also had zero support - my blood family was on another continent, none of my friends had kids and the moms I would meet at the playground were all too occupied with their own lives. To add to my misery, I just simply couldn’t connect with any moms at “Mom and Baby” music classes. So I devoted myself to yoga and I dove deep into studying Tibetan Buddhism. The Eastern Tantric esoteric practices became my solace, my saving grace, my lifeline.
We live in a culture that shames us for being vulnerable and honest about how we actually feel as mothers. Voicing our inadequacy and our hardships brings up a lot of shame.
How often do we see mothers voice out their hardships and challenges with their kids and family life on social media? Whether you wanted to be a mother or the choice was made for you unconsciously, we all carry guilt around voicing our true feelings.
And to add on, not finding fulfillment and identity in motherhood was the ever-pervasive message from society that I was a bad mother. Asking for help would have been a confirmation of my failure, a deep shame
So I continued on in silence. Until one day, my kids aged 3 and 2, I broke down. There over the stove, I started crying and screaming and didn’t stop. I believe it was a nervous break down, which followed with severe auto-immune disorder. I was falling apart. Chronic fatigue clouded my mind and nailed me to bed, arrested me in the house with two toddlers. Joint inflammation hijacked my whole body and I wasn’t able to move, walk, or stand. I thought that I was slowly dying. After two long years of trying to find the answer and the cure to my ailment I cleaned my diet and came back to life. Food is truly a miracle
After this experience, I realized I had to learn how to mother myself. I had to soothe my inner child, heal my mother wound, and confront my shadow self.
In this healing, I finally found my power: The divine feminine within me -- with all her multitudes.
No matter what society wants from women, we are not defined by motherhood. We are not archetypes of selflessness.
…. and so much more
Today, I create my pieces from this place of multitudes. My mission is to provide every woman, whether she is a mother or not, including my two daughters, with a healing and protective piece to remind her of her becoming.